Soulmate/relationship: July 2005 Archives
Did you even remember that I was telling the story of finding my soulmate? I sure got sidetracked--the last installment was May 2! Sorry about that! To review, you can plug "Finding My Soulmate" into the search box and it will bring up the links to the previous five installments. Anyhoo...
When last we left off, I had recognized that continuing the rapidly developing, not-just-platonic relationship with Rick was wrong, wrong, wrong in light of the fact that he was already very involved with a woman, and I had committed to myself not to be involved (again) with an unavailable man. Overcoming--at least temporarily--the powerful narcotic of love and desire, I had finally snapped out of it to the point that I realized I needed to stop what seemed to be a runaway train of deep emotion and powerful romantic feelings, and somehow either transform our relationship into a purely platonic friendship, or break off all contact. I also, lovingly but firmly, laid down the law about not being fully honest with his girlfriend. We could not continue to disregard the potential for hurt to her. Like a splash of icy water in the face, taking a stand had broken the spell for me.
Wow! I felt so much better! Though I did not know how this was going to work, standing firm for integrity felt powerfully right, and I had faith that I would somehow find a way to break free. The persistent mild nausea I had been experiencing for weeks cleared up instantly as I stopped trying to con myself! That sickly feeling I had been tolerating and pushing down in my consciousness--the all-too-familiar, bad feeling from being in love with someone that was not available, just evaporated. You know, selling out yourself is never, ever going to set right. You may get used to the way it feels, and you may be able to convince yourself at some level that it's okay, but truly, you can never really feel but so good when you are lying to yourself. And the truth is, if you don't have complete integrity with YOU, there's not a chance of having a healthy relationship with someone else. Rick and I had talked a lot about integrity, and while it seemed that it was vitally important to both of us, what it came down to for me was that if you don't have integrity in one area, you just don't have integrity overall. Part of what I had said to him in the "cold splash of water" was that he'd need to tell the girlfriend about our relationship, or we could not even be friends.
So I went to bed that night feeling better than I had in weeks, knowing I'd done the right thing, and that I would be rewarded by God for the sacrifice (see the last installment for that reference). And, sure enough, first thing the next morning I got my gift! Here (slightly edited to leave out parts that won't make sense to you) is the first email exchange of that day:
(Julia) I think we shifted something. I feel different! I feel better in a strange way--even if it is nothing but the honesty of coming to terms with what was really happening, it freed something up. I hope you feel better, too.
(Rick) I don't feel better, but I do feel more focused on who I am and where I'm headed... What is hardest for me (here I go again, into the "NO!! DON'T SAY THAT!" place) is the clear realization that I would rather be with you...You are doing your best to help us get to a more stable, more buddy-based place to be, and I'm swallowing my tongue because I don't want to spoil the plan. Don't worry, I will do everything I can to be your buddy. I needed, this morning as I read your note, to say this, though. You are everything I never knew I always wanted.
From here, things snowballed, and as Rick and I got more and more honest with ourselves and each other, taking a stand for openness and integrity on all levels, it became clear that we were willing to do whatever it took to be with each other. I will share some of what that entailed in the next installment, which I hope will not take as long for me to get to as this one did!
soulmate saga, part six
