Will things be different now?

Warning: The following is not very enlightened, but, I'm hoping, the sharing of it will be, if for no other reason than to demonstrate transparency and the courage to tell the truth to and about oneself, even when it's not pretty...

I'm feeling awfully vulnerable right now. Rick will be returning this evening from the 37 Days Retreat he went to in Asheville, NC, and as glad as I am on the one hand that he just beatifically reported by phone that it was "amazing," sounding high as a kite from it all, I am also, I'll readily admit, feeling a little threatened.

No, I'm not proud of that. I know that it's entirely of the ego to be anything but totally thrilled that someone I care so deeply for had such a magical and empowering experience of opening up to himself and being in the alchemy of the retreat experience. This is Rick's first such experience, while I've been in such situations many times before, and I know they don't readily transmit to others who weren't there. I knew from the time many months ago when I initially signed off on him going and encouraged him to do so, that it would put us in different spaces.

How might he have changed because of this? How might our life together be affected by the revelations arising from it? How has being in a group of fifteen participants, when he was one of only two men and the rest women, most in their forties, who surely saw Rick's wonderfulness and wished they had such a sensitive yet manly man themselves, going to change how he sees himself, and thus, me? They were part of the magic; I was not.

Might he now be wondering if the work of being my partner is too much? If the life we have together is nourishing enough to his spirit?

To be fair, Rick has never given me one moment's cause to wonder at his committment to me. He has been as loyal as a husband and friend could possibly be. No--this is my own stuff. My own shadow. My own ugly insecurities coming out of the shadows to poke at me. The enlightened me is not threatened. The enlightened me knows that whatever happens is in Divine Order, and that All Is Well.

It surely did not, however, encourage me to the bright side of the road when he said he'd just spent the last hour in great conversation with a lovely woman from the group--a woman who was part of the magic (when I was not, my little self adds)--to whom he'd given a ride to the airport. She is, he said, in the process of getting a divorce.

The funny thing is, if you want to call it funny, is that I had already intuited this before he even called. I could feel it. I could feel him with an attractive woman, feeling all warm and fuzzy. I guessed that he would be giving a lovely woman a ride to the airport, and that it would be an extension of the magical experience he's been wrapped up in all weekend.

I want to be happy for him to have those juicy feelings. I want that not to threaten me. I want to get back to Julia, the wife who is certain of her marriage; the spiritual teacher who is above all that.

Sigh...I guess I just need to get back to work on the Easy World book, which is what I've been doing since Rick left Friday morning, and I've been thrilled with the progress. Actually, what I really need is to get back to Easy World, period, where everything is easy, even putting aside your own insecurities to welcome your wonderful, retreat-besotted husband home. Maybe, first, however, I need to do a #3...

UPDATE: Okay. It's all I can do to keep myself from deleting this entry out of embarrassment, and an ego-need for my smallness to be kept secret. But I felt the inspiration and energy to post it to begin with, so I'll trust that, and leave it in hopes that it serves some worthwhile purpose.

I did use the Step-by-Step Frequency Raising System and had my #3, plus a few minutes'-worth of a nap, a drop of Release essential oil blend, a cathartic kitchen cleaning, a bit of cooking, and I feel like me again. Confident, happy, centered me, whose best friend is on his way home after a really great experience. Me, who is excited to hear all about it and be excited with him.