Hibernation time

I am lost. Okay—I’m not lost, I just feel that way. I am going through one of those broken-compass periods of low-to-no motivation. Feeling like a blob. Not feeling able to get myself psyched up for anything. Not sure of my direction. My winter newsletter is due to be published, but, whereas I normally am excited to work on it, I just feel tired when I think about it. Since I am committed to following my energy and enthusiasm, and about the only places they seem to be taking me are to the daybed, sofa, or bed right now, I guess I’ll have to trust that those are the places I most need to be!

I thought about not sharing this in an effort to preserve my image (Hello, ego!), but I felt motivated to write this (Ha! Motivation! Must follow it!), and I know that it might just be comforting to some readers to know that I, who probably seems to be focused and have it mostly together, has times when she feels anything but.

Is it the weather? I’m sure that has something to do with it. It’s extremely cold here—in the minuses tonight. Today’s high was 10 degrees according to the thermometer on our patio, though the TV news had the temp at 3. I guess that’s because they measure it at the airport which is pretty much out in the wilderness, away from the heat of the city. They’re saying it’s going to be super cold for the next few days—seeing that it’s going to get up to the 20s and low 30s next week is thrilling! While I've never figured out how to enjoy single-digit temps, I guess the cold snap would not be such an issue with me if we had not been socked in by the snow for so long. While we’ve been able to get out some of the time, getting around has been challenging as there is still mega snow everywhere and many of the neighborhood streets are horrendous. Not meaning to complain, but I just have a serious case of cabin fever. I like my options open, and with the weather so funky, it feels like there’s a wall around the house that has me trapped. More likely, it’s a vibrational wall.

I know, I know. I need to raise my frequency. But for whatever reason, it feels like the thing to do in service to that is to hunker down and birth whatever is waiting to emerge from me. It’s almost like there is something inside me (Sweet Julie? Is that you?) that needs me to be still and to stop focusing on productivity as a measure of worth. I have had an intellectual knowing of that for quite awhile, but it’s one of those things that is going “kerchunk” into my being right now.

Part of my new, more thorough realization of this is from offering the autobiographical account of the time just before and just after my mountaintop experience to people to read. I posted the offer on PI, having people email me to get the link to the PDF of it if they were interested. That caused me to re-read it for the first time in years, and, in reading it with fresh eyes, I was able to really identify how much my self-worth has been tied up in certain things like bravery, productivity, and “getting it right.” The getting it right thing is HUGE. Jeez Louise—No one has ever been as hard on me as I have been! I’m so grateful that Rick is so wise and kind and encouraging of me. He’s seen those patterns all along. Tonight he said he was concerned that I was resisting being a blob and said he hoped I’d just surrender to my funk so I could move on through it.

Anyway, if you would like to read the autobiography (105 double-spaced pages) which is online, please email me and I’ll send you the link. If you don’t have my email address, just use the Contact Us feature on the website and it will come to my personal email.

Gee—you’re a good listener—I feel better already! There’s more to tell--like me reconnecting with a long lost love--but I think I hear my bed calling…