It's all about me—a breakthrough

I’m noticing some expansion of late. I had an experience this evening, after exercising (oxygenation is great for higher perception) while I was in the shower (negative ions and the greater electrical conductivity of water always seem to do magic for me), where something that was a real “forest for the trees” situation became clear. It wasn't totally spontaneous—I did have to do some probing of my thought processes to figure it out, but it was easier than before.

What I’ve noticed is that as I’ve risen higher in frequency, I have a much easier time identifying when my ego has grabbed the wheel—and, an easier time getting ego to relinquish it (hallelujah!). I don’t know how universal this is, but I get a very distinctive “ucky” feeling in my solar plexus when my ego is upset about something. Nowadays, there is no way to ignore this feeling, and thankfully, I’m learning what to do when I experience it. For most of my life, however, I’d have this uck and not only not know what to do about it, it would sometimes take me days to realize it was there.

Tonight when I realized I was feeling it, I simply scanned through my day and checked to see which of several potentially upsetting things this knot in my stomach seemed to be connected with. I was easily able to recognize that it had to do with a relationship that I am in, through no conscious choice of my own, and that I am not free to get out of. I made note of the fact that I have felt a lot of resentment in relationship to what this person does that affects me without me seeming to have any control over it. Without going into detail, let’s just say that it feels to me that this person holds all the power and that I am powerless in relation to her.

What I realized is that I have felt this way before in another important relationship, and it’s not her that makes me feel this way—it’s ME. Well, you might say, “Duh-uh,” but as I said, this was one of those situations that every time I thought about it I went a little dumb, because whenever one is in resentment or other ego-based emotional states, one’s frequency is lowered, and therefore, one’s perceptions are proportionally dulled. But tonight, I was able to stay with the higher thoughts as I followed the thread of discomfort all the way from that present moment back to the times I’d felt powerless and trapped before, in other situations, with other people.

I started looking at my anger and resentment that another key person involved in this relationship has not done what I have perceived as an adequate job of standing up for himself with her, which seemed to affect things for me. But why would that make me angry? What is that mirroring for me? My own relationship with me, of course. One can only project and transfer one's own stuff onto others for so long before it becomes clear that the common denominator in all that is YOU.

Though I still don’t know exactly how I’m going to pull this off—the learning a new response and shifting the energy in this relationship—it was quite empowering to realize that she doesn’t do anything to me—no matter what she does, it’s all me, doing it to myself, therefore, I can choose to respond differently and to see higher. Resentment is just a sign of self-betrayal. Where is it that I need to stand up for myself—not so much with another person, but within myself? I suspect that learning how to accept and love myself more completely will be the key, as well as continuing to turn down ego’s voice and turn up the voice of my God-Realized Self. These things may be synonymous.

While I’ve felt trapped and helpless in this relationship which seemed entirely unbidden, and frustrated beyond belief to feel that I am stuck in a situation which I could only get out of at much too high a cost, I realized tonight that the gift in this situation is that I can’t bail on it—my Spirit must have been brilliant to set it up this way—so I have to evolve it within myself.

Ahhhh, consciousness. What a grand adventure!