I'm back

Boy, oh boy. I am back. Back from my trip—and back from the edge! As you may have been able to see, based on the last blog entry that expressed my fears and dreads about what was then the upcoming trip, I was riding for a fall. Interestingly, the things that I was so worried about turned out not to be problems for the most part, but other things sure did. I really cannot go into detail about all that transpired, but I will share with you what I learned from the week in the family cottage on Lake Michigan.

First off, as mentioned above, starting into something with “fear and dread” is always asking to be at a lower frequency. Duh. I know better, but I felt sort of trapped and unable to see higher (and no, victimhood doesn’t exactly support being at higher frequencies, either!). I will be on the lookout for such signs in the future and do whatever it takes not to foment them. Also, something important that I knew but that I now understand more clearly than before, is that being tired contributes to lower frequency. And I was wiped out by the time I got there. I had not been sleeping well the week before I left, and the travel itself was exhausting and stressful. To illustrate this, let me tell you that the trip up there involved delayed takeoff from Denver, late arrival in Minneapolis, a rough landing that featured a bounce so jolting, everyone on the plane cried out, a full-out run through the airport to get to my plane just as they were closing the door (but at least I made it!), and, blessedly, a safe, but taxing, 2-hour drive from the Grand Rapids airport to the cottage in Friday evening traffic. When I got there, it was brutally hot and humid, and the cottage is not air-conditioned. Also, if you recall, the house was jam-packed.

Mom’s memorial service the next morning was nice and the reception afterward was lovely, but I was so burned out and so in need of emotional release, I was almost catatonic, and when a cousin’s wife asked me what I’d been doing for the last almost 30 years since she had seen me last, I pretty much stared at her blankly! I was glad to be able to escape the crowd and get back to the cottage where I could curl up on the daybed and stare out at the lake, just as I said in my last entry that I would. I did have a great time with all my cousins, though, and there were 25 or so of us that had a cookout at the cottage that Saturday night. It was really fun to get reacquainted with everybody—many I hadn’t seen since childhood.

By Sunday night, they had all gone and I was finally free to feel my feelings about being at the cottage for the first time without Mom. I did do some of that, but instead of being able to really deeply feel it and release it, I felt strangely out of touch—almost like I was wrapped in cotton or something. Almost the whole week was like that. I never even really felt the magic of the lake seeping in—something that usually happens after my first day or so. As the week went on, there were some intense relationship dramas playing out, and I believe I went into survival mode, and that the lack of integration with my surroundings and my inability to feel my grief about being in the place that is so very "Mom," was a function of protecting myself from feeling the painful stuff that was being engendered. I see now that when I immerse myself in family, especially when I’m tired and emotionally congested, I tend to lose who I am and revert back to who I was—a person I do not like very much. I’m not sure what the answer to this is. Obviously, I’d like to be able to learn to maintain my equilibrium and my adult identity in any situation, but it is tempting to simply avoid conditions where I tend to become the little kid/incompetent daughter/baby sister once again. I love my family, though, so I’d better figure out something other than total avoidance! Meantime, I am so relieved to be back at home where things are peaceful, and where, though hot, hot, hot outside, it is air-conditioned. And where my loving husband is helping me remember the truth of Who I Am and raise my frequency once again.

In summary:

¨ Rest is vital for maintaining higher frequency.

¨ Assuming things are going to go wrong pretty much guarantees they will—and not necessarily in the way you predict.

¨ Immersing yourself in old, dysfunctional familial patterns is not likely conducive to maintaining higher frequency, so prepare psychologically in advance and refuse to be drawn into the old games—or avoid such situations altogether.

¨ Having someone you can call who will remind you that you are a sane, competent, capable adult who is treasured for your Self is vital to surviving family time.

¨ There’s no place like Home!